Conversations about death can be difficult. But it should be talked about and even prepared for because it simply is an inevitable truth for all of us. In doing that, you may just find peace instead of fear. After seeing the healing it did to her family, Mary McElhattan became passionate about openly discussing death and giving people permission to feel at peace with passing. She is currently a Permission Mission advocate who has worked for the largest pre-burial and funeral arrangements company in the nation. In this episode, she joins Chris Swartz to talk about how to prepare for death. She shares steps to help families come to terms with it and plan accordingly. Life’s too hard already to have death harder at the end when it can be preventable by having an open discussion about it. Join Mary in today’s important conversation and see our mortality in a more peaceful light.

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Mary McElhattan – Preparing For Death

I am here with Mary McElhattan. Mary, how are you?

I’m very good, Chris.

Mary is an author, a mother, a grandmother, a wife, a daughter, all of the above, but in this episode, she comes to us with Permission Mission. She’s going to share some information about that. Mary, thank you for jumping on. Tell us a little bit about what you’re doing. We can make the surface of Permission Mission, and then we’ll talk a little bit more about you, and then we’ll do a deep dive into what it is that you’re actually doing with this and why you’re here now.

Chris, I would have never in a million years thought I would ever talk about what I’m going to talk and share about today. What happened was, many years ago, I got a call middle of the afternoon from my dad. He was a pretty quiet guy. He was the guy who cleaned his guns when us girls’ dates would show up at the door, and he just happened to be cleaning his guns. He didn’t say much at all.

He called me up and said, “Mary, I’ve got something I got to talk with you about.” I’m like, “Dad, what’s up? You hardly ever call me.” He’s like, “I just came from the doctor. I’ve got a short time to live, and I want you to help me plan out this day.” I’m thinking, “Why me?” Chris, you must understand, I’m 10 of 11 children. My immediate thought was, “Call somebody on the top. What am I going to do?”

I’m like, “Dad, I don’t know if I can do that.” He goes, “Mary, I need you to. You’re Mary Margaret Motor Mouth, and I want to get my day right.” I’m just thinking, “This is unusual.” First of all, my dad never spoke. He’s just a really quiet guy. All of a sudden, he’s excited about life and wants to plan out this day, and he knew his days are numbered. I dove right in. Of course, who would say no to their parents? I really didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how it would all go. I had never done it before. It was so incredibly awesome if I can say that in a very hard situation.

There was this moment that things started coming alive in me. I saw this man come alive. I saw him jump on things and get things done, call people he hadn’t called. I saw him have this ability to adapt differently than all the years I had witnessed him being so quiet and silent. I got through it, and I’ll tell you, there were a couple of hard days, but overall, I walked away being alive myself. Something just went off, and I’ve never been able to shut it off. It was beautiful.

You must understand, my dad, he planned it all out. He had messages for his kids, his grandkids, his great-grandkids, and even great-great-grandkids who are not born yet. I walked away just thinking, “What a different experience that was compared to the prior.” Prior to this, my mom lost her first child to polio back in the ‘50s, and then I had lost two siblings, one at 22 and one at 35. We never talked about it. We just never talked about what had happened or why it happened, or what life was going to be like after it all happened. That was really different to have that experience with my father, who brought it all full circle and allowed us to openly discuss his passing soon and my siblings’ passing. It really healed our family. It brought us back together.

Being able to do that after all that devastation, it just made sense to me logically how important it is to talk about this day if we have the opportunity. That’s how it really started to get me to do what I do today by just giving people permission, opening up the conversation, letting people feel at peace with passing, and also at peace with planning. That’s where I’m at.

That’s beautiful. It’s the opposite of what you would think you would feel and do and come out of that experience with. For our audience, you can’t see it, but I can see the emotion and the energy that you’re exuding. You are grateful and gracious in this. For me, being quite honest, I’m probably one of many people that are so fearful of getting old and dying and having the conversations like, “My goodness, how does that even look or feel?” or people around me. My parents are still here, thankfully. The fear of that instead of what you’ve just shared is a pure appreciation for an event that happens in life. There’s nothing any of us can do to avoid it.

I’m trying. I’m sure most of us can try and do everything we can.

There are a lot of people that will sell us a lot of things to try to prolong it, but eventually, life has its way with us.

You bring up a good point, the fear of getting older, the fear of how we are wanting to avoid it, dodge it, whatever. The reality is that, and what I got out of it, was how it actually brought life out of me by it happening. The fears have lessened. I’m getting wrinkles. I want to get wrinkles. That just means I have had more years of my life. Thinking from an opposite way versus the dreading of, “My gosh, I’m getting older. My body doesn’t look the same. My parents are getting older.” What a beautiful gift that is because some people pass early. It is what it is.

I immediately identified after my father’s service that my brothers didn’t pass sooner than they were supposed to because I realized what life they had and the impact that they made. It was no different than the impact my father had made. The time didn’t really make the difference. It was the impact. A child coming into the world for a day or 3 or 10 or 48, or 65 years is the same as if somebody was here for 100 years.

Really insight, it is the impact. We’ve been to so many, whatever you want to call it, a viewing, a funeral, whatever it is, services, and a lot of times they will say a celebration like, “Don’t be sad. This is a celebration.” You truly embrace what that is because it is a celebration of somebody’s life and the impact. I love that. We had our initial conversation. I was like, “Okay. This is interesting. This is different. We’re going to talk about death.”

As people who are reading that are entrepreneurs or self-starters or into personal, professional development, we’re planners. You should be, at least if you’re reading this in some way, please, and this is something that you need to plan, and you do need to think about just as your next business venture or the next training or a marathon that you need to run. There’s a plan that needs to happen. Not a lot of people are talking about that plan, which is why I thought we got to have Mary on. Who else is talking about this? I don’t know anyone else. To help people talk about that and really talk about what it is through Permission Mission, what does that look like?

The first step is acknowledgement. Just acknowledge the fact that I am going to leave this Earth one day, and I’m certainly not going to leave it worse than I found it or worse off with my family. I didn’t work hard to have all this take care of itself in the end. If you really think about it, like if you go on a road trip, unless you’re going on an adventure where you don’t have the final destination, that’s great. Those are fun. I’ll be there at a certain time. I’ve got my roadmap for the trip of a lifetime, and it’s planned out.

 

I want my family to be there at the end with me, not fighting and arguing and bickering, because I’ve seen so many families destroyed, like ours was until my father brought it back full circle and allowed us really to accept the fact that each and every one of us will have our day. He just wanted to do it right. That’s all he said, “I just want to do this day right because most things in my life, I didn’t.” He was very adamant about it.

The first step really is to accept and have that talk with your family. First, tell them nothing is wrong that you’re having them. The immediate response would be, “Are you not telling me something?” “No, everything is good and fun.” I think it’s important as a family because we love each other. We wouldn’t leave each other unattended, unprepared. Then it does start lifting that burden of number one, we’re not doing anything wrong talking about it. Nobody’s doing anything wrong because it does feel like that. I had those days with my father where I was just going, “Why am I feeling like I’m doing something wrong with him?”

I think it’s just because we’ve got to lift those myths away, lift them apart and answer yourself like, “What’s coming up for me that I’m not able to talk about someone I love or I want to say something to someone I love but the words aren’t coming out of our mouth?” It’s because of the myths of not talking about it like it might promote something. Chris, here’s the funny thing. I have people who want to go, and they’re not going. I have people who want to stay, and they’re not staying. We all just get that day and no one really knows.

We didn’t touch on this, but outside of the amazing experience that you’ve just shared with your father, this is something also in your professional line of work. You work for the largest pre-burial and funeral arrangement company in the nation. Outside of this personal experience, you see this day in, day out on a mass scale. This isn’t just your isolated experience. You work for one of the largest companies in the nation around this topic.

Correct, I do. This mission is so much bigger than what I do on a daily basis. I am honored and privileged to be able to work with families and set them up to win, set those families up, and make sure that things are in the order that they would like. Not overspend, not underspend. The arguing, bickering, and fighting happen when there are no plans because people are having to guess, or finances may dictate what they can or cannot do. That’s heartbreaking.

I know that their love should never be dictated on what costs are involved. Life’s too hard already with all the other stuff to have it harder at the end when it can be preventable by having an open discussion about it. It eliminates a lot of guesswork. You are logically making plans on a day that makes sense, versus on an emotional day, you’re going to overspend most times.

Life's too hard already with all the other stuff to have it harder at the end when it can be preventable by having an open discussion about death. Click To Tweet

Would you say that most people in the professional realm that you’re in, in the business of it, are reacting in an emotional state? Are there a lot of people that come in and say, “Mary, we’ve got the plan down?” Is it 50/50? Is it 90/10 that don’t, 90/10 that do? What would you say?

In the beginning when I started years ago, I would say that it literally felt like maybe 20% planned. Now, with the way the world has changed with COVID happening, I would say that we’re close to 50%, maybe. It’s a big jump, and that’s progress. I know that these families have a chance by having things prepared. I know a lot of people are like, “I don’t have any family. I don’t have anybody to leave it to.” You do. You probably had a passion in your lifetime that you would want to leave maybe for animals. If you had a love for animals, you set that arrangement at the time for those animals to be taken care of, or for children to be educated, or for a bench in a park to be recognized because you loved walking. There are so many neat, innovative ways to build a creative legacy on our behalf that keeps living. That’s a great way. I don’t want to be forgotten. I don’t think anybody wants to be forgotten. Let’s set up something that you’re not.

That’s brilliant. To sit back and think about it, whether it’s family, a cause, or whatever it is, and we keep talking about “planning.” What does that mean? What would it look like going into this type of planning?

How I help my family is obviously we set up a time to meet at one of the cemetery locations here in Las Vegas. I represent Las Vegas. I’m licensed in Nevada. However, I’ll answer any questions for anybody around the world because our providers are across North America. We have about 2,500. The first step would be to find out whether you’re cremated or buried. What’s your wish? That decision you want to make yourself. That’s a big decision I want to make.

We guide you through the different types of plans based on cremation and burial. If you’re looking at property, obviously a final resting place, veterans have the advantage of having property on their behalf for serving our country. They have veteran cemeteries across the planet. The first step would be to get in contact with somebody.

Actually, let me back up. The first step is just to talk with the family. Talk with your immediate family and just say, “I’ve been thinking about this. I’m not really sure.” Even if you’re not sure whether you want cremation or burial, get with a professional like me because they will help guide you. We have plans that are hybrid where they actually will serve both. It’s pretty amazing. We do a lot of cremation. There are ways to design it and create it just for you. Every person is different when it comes to this day.

Many thoughts are spinning through my head.

I know. I love it. Isn’t that cool that it makes us start thinking though in a positive way? That’s what we’re missing out on. People are like, “Mary, you’ve got to be depressed every day.” I said, “Depressed? I have my moments because I’m human.” Sometimes I’m just saddened by some of the ways people pass, but then I immediately get off of how they pass, and it’s when they pass. When we pass, what do we want?

The planning, I think it really starts with that because you can then think about it. In addition to the, “Do you want to be cremated or buried?” What about other planning that people can do with their family or with resources around what else would go into it, whether it’s the finances? That’s a scary thing too. People are budgeting for living right now. We’re in a time where things are expensive and people are talking about the cost of living and groceries and inflation. Who wants to think about the cost to pass away and what that looks like? Where do people start to plan that or are there resources out there with those things? The second part of that question is legacy stuff. Just to spark the questions with leaving things to family members and who gets what, that can be quite a slippery slope. If you’ve got multiple kids and you say, “Gather around, this is what I’m planning to do. I’m going to leave it all to the pets.”

There’s a show out there on Netflix about it. Come on. Nobody does this wrong when they’re doing it the way they want it. I would suggest when we’re planning for living, there’s also that part for passing. There are different types of plans. I say do the minimal so that your family has the direction based on your decision. The arguments start happening when nobody has discussed it, nobody knows what to do. Now, you are forced to come up with this amount of money that typically is not coming from the person who’s talking a lot. Does that make sense? The person trying to do all the planning at the time is typically not the one who has any money to contribute. That’s so stressful.

Nobody does this wrong when they're doing it the way they want it. When we're planning for living, there's also that part for passing. Click To Tweet

Just look around, ask your friends, ask your family members who have pre-planned. There are payment options ahead of time. I have a five-year plan. I was grateful to pay very minimal payments each month. When it was done, it’s done. I don’t think about it anymore. I never thought about the COVID situation, not because I wasn’t afraid of it. It was because if I’m going to go out this way, at least I know that I’d got things handled.

It’s planning for our life, and it’s also planning for our passing and getting a small payment that we can’t afford. A lot of people come in, “Mary, my kids don’t have to worry about it. I have life insurance.” That’s wonderful. I love life insurance. I have many friends who sell life insurance. I am all for it. I just am not for it for this particular thing because it doesn’t make decisions. It doesn’t lock in cost. Who can predict the future? That may not even be in place.

I’ve seen people plan life insurance. I’ve had life insurance over the years that I’ve had to let go of or cancel maybe because the need changed. My kids are now adults. However, it’s like, would you rather pay three or five-year plans and have it done? Lock the cost in, or pay who knows what it’s going to be at the end of the day for a life insurance? Those kids may not even want to spend a little bit of their money on that life insurance to do anything.

You’re getting bottom of the barrel, so everyone keep their money.

My kids would be like, “We’re out of here, mom.”

Hopefully, they’re not reading this.

They love me. They’re happy though, not today, but when that day comes, if I’m fortunate to go before them, I know that they’ll be happy that day. They will understand that day. They don’t understand today. They think what I do is crazy. It’s all good.

 

I definitely appreciate you coming on and sharing the craziness of really getting something out there. It’s so unique. On the show, we’re always talking with entrepreneurs and athletes and community leaders and how you can go from living an ordinary life to extraordinary life. We’re going to take that to leaving an extraordinary legacy today. After you’re gone, and if you’re living, which is what we’re always talking about here on the show, an extraordinary life, we’ve just discussed at some point, sorry to spoil the ending, folks, but it does come to an end. When that happens, I think we’ve tied in beautifully the extraordinary legacy by having you on here.

Hopefully, my goal here is to always leave our audience with something that they can take away from the show, think about, execute, put a plan together, and really have them come away with this with just a little bit more of that a-ha, maybe something to think about. I honor you for pioneering this Permission Mission, talking about this uncomfortable stuff, and jumping on the show. For anyone that may want to talk more or find out some information, how can they connect with you?

I’m on Facebook, Mary McElhattan. Also, if you are looking for a provider in your area, just go to DignityMemorial.com. You just put in the code, it will link you to a provider closest to you. Just make that call. I promise you, the feedback I get from people is, “Mary, thank you. I didn’t know it was this easy. I had all this stuff in my head, and it was nothing like that.” They’re grateful, they’re thankful, and they’re sleeping better.

To do something proactively at any point in your life, it’s always better than to be, especially having lost a family member, how emotional that is. Making decisions based on emotion is not usually the best, or reactionary decisions. If you can get ahead of it, plan. What was the site there that they could go to?

DignityMemorial.com

Check it out whenever. You wrap your head around it, and you think after reading this, “This is something that we need to think about.” If you have more questions, you can connect with Mary. I want to thank you again for coming on the show and sharing this mission that you’re on here.

I appreciate you, Chris, very much. You’re welcome, and thank you.

You’re welcome. For everyone reading, if you’ve got something out of this, please share it on iTunes. If you’re listening on iTunes, give us a five-star rating. On that note, we’re out.

 

Important Links

• Mary McElhattan
• DignityMemorial.com
• http://www.YouTube.com/@permissionmission
• https://www.Facebook.com/mary.mcelhattan
• Linktr.ee/permissionmission

 

About Mary McElhattan

Author, Chaplin, Grandmother, Mother, Daughter, Wife and Permission Mission advocate who has worked for the largest pre-burial and funeral arrangements company in the nation. She has encountered and experienced hundreds/thousands of families/people and how they deal and approach the following subject. Something we know 100% of the time will happen to all of us. Can we give ourselves permission to talk about, remember those that have passed on, and embrace their lives to enrich our own? Let’s break the silence and start to appreciate our mortality and fill our lives with more gratitude through the experiences of our beloved members that are no longer with us.

 

Tags: conversations about death, funeral arrangements, legacy, life insurance, planning for death, pre-burial planning